


it's time to let go

by breeeliss



Category: She-Ra - All Media Types, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, She-Ra: Princess Of Power
Genre: Angst, Catra-centric, F/F, Romance, S1E11 Rewrite, Some nice kissing but also some angry kissing, This isn't happy I'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 02:42:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16778053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breeeliss/pseuds/breeeliss
Summary: Some people had the misfortune of being alive long enough to realize that there are very few people who truly want you. You. Everything you are, everything you hope to be, and everything you must be in order to survive. Catra realizes she hasn’t found that person yet. And she’s fine with that.--a rewrite of s1e11 // catra-centric





	it's time to let go

**Author's Note:**

> somehow i managed to make episode 11 even angstier than it already was. sorry.

Catra was starting to think that all magic wielders got a kick out of playing head games with the non-magical plebs they thought were inferior to them.

Apparently, this First Ones castle had been so bored sitting here uninhabited for who knew how many years that now it was broadcasting her memories for the sake of some stupid parlor trick. It was bad enough growing up with Shadow Weaver and having to stomach spending an entire evening with a room full of _princesses_. Now she had creepy ancient buildings stuck in the middle of creepy ancient forests to add to the list. She should’ve known better.

Entrapta better have been right about this First Ones tech because Catra was this close to just screwing the entire mission and going right back to the Fright Zone. Getting one over Shadow Weaver wasn’t worth all of this trip down memory lane crap.

Especially not with Adora and her obsession with wanting to actually _talk_ about things.

Her one use would’ve been to help them get out of here, but it looked like. Ms. Princess In Training didn’t know where the hell they were going. This place was freaking massive, and for all Catra knew they were currently walking in circles and getting further and further away from any exit.

They were both silent for a long while until they happened upon a cavernous room, crumbling from age and with only a dilapidated pillar laid over a steep drop to help them across. Catra wondered if it was stable enough to hold their weight when Adora’s voice echoed harshly in the room. “Can I ask you something?”

Catra sighed, knowing she had nowhere to run. “Can I stop you?”

“Why did you help me escape after Shadow Weaver captured us?”

She groaned in response and decided dying from a five hundred foot fall was suddenly worth the risk as she began crossing the bridge to the other side. “Not this again…”

“It’s the one thing I can’t figure out,” Adora continued, carefully following behind. “You didn’t have to do that. You could’ve gotten caught. Why risk it?”

Catra snorted at the irony of such a question, but she didn’t get to comment on it before she heard the floor crumbling behind her. The sight of Adora in danger awoke an instinct that was still strong no matter how hard Catra tried to push it down and keep it dead. So when she saw Adora falling back into the hole, she didn’t even realize her body moved until her hand clasped Adora’s arm and pulled her back onto solid ground.

Adora raised her brow a little, as if to ask the same question again, and Catra felt inclined to just let Adora fall in order to avoid the conversation. “Did you really think I’d just let Shadow Weaver erase your memory like that?”

Adora looked away. “I don’t know. Probably.”

Catra rolled her eyes and kept walking. “I’m not a monster, Adora. Despite what your precious little princess friends would like to have you think.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that it would’ve been a tactical advantage.”

“You can’t think of a few things I maybe wouldn’t want you to forget?”

Adora smiled behind her hand. “I mean...I can think of a couple of things. What were you thinking of?”

“I’m not doing this with you,” Catra warned. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this place loves to invade my head and broadcast all the crap I don’t want to talk about in real time high definition.”

“Well maybe it’s doing that for a reason,” Adora offered. “Magic sometimes acts on an agenda that we’re not necessarily in control of.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’d know all about that.”

“Look, maybe instead of trying to run from these memories, we should pay attention to them. Maybe they’re trying to tell us something. Maybe they’ll help us get out!”

“I don’t need magic to get out of here. A door would be way more helpful.”

Adora jogged ahead and grabbed Catra’s hand. “Catra, please let’s just — ”

“ _Adora…”_

Catra froze and turned to look behind her. “Who the heck…?”

“ _Adora, come on, please wake up.”_

It sounded like someone was whispering but Catra couldn’t tell where it was coming from or who was speaking. She doubled back and turned around the corner they had just come from until she found herself walking straight into a familiar looking barrack. Green walls. Dim lighting. A room full of sleeping cadets. The pulsing, glowing walls of the First Ones Castle had melted away into nothing and all that Catra could see was a younger version of herself — Twelve? Thirteen maybe? — poking a sleeping Adora in the cheek.

_“Adora!” Catra hissed again. “Don’t make me bite you again. Wake up.”_

_Adora groaned, reaching an arm out over the edge of the bed until her hand touched the top of Catra’s head. Her fingers stroked a spot behind her ears that calmed the panic filling Catra’s throat and making it hard for her to breathe. “Hey,” she slurred. “What’s up?”_

_Catra rubbed the heels of her palms into her eyes. “I had it again.”_

_Adora lifted her head off her pillow. “The same dream?”_

_Catra nodded. “But it was different this time,” she explained. “Noisier. More talking. And I think I woke up crying.”_

_It was hard to tell in the dark, but Adora slid her hand down to rub a thumb along Catra’s cheek and swore that it came back a little damp. She pretended not to notice. “Are you okay?”_

_Catra didn’t answer. She yanked on the edge of Adora’s blanket. “Can I come in?”_

_“If Shadow Weaver catches you in my bed again, we’re going to get into trouble.”_

_“Let her yell at me,” Catra grumbled, already crawling in under the covers and curling up under Adora’s chin. “I’m sure she’s waiting for an excuse.”_

_Adora smoothed down the hair tickling her nose and left a kiss on Catra’s forehead. “Do you wanna talk about it?”_

_Catra’s arms tightened around Adora’s waist, her claws digging into Adora’s skin as if she were afraid Adora were going to disappear from her arms if she didn’t hold onto her tight enough. “There’s nothing to talk about because it doesn’t make any sense and it never will.”_

_“You said there were new voices this time…”_

_Catra shrugged. “I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I just knew I felt scared. And then I felt angry. Then everything went quiet and I just felt….just so_ so _sad. And then I woke up with someone’s name caught in my throat.”_

_Adora bit her lip, wondering if it was worth asking. “Your family?”_

_“It doesn’t matter,” Catra decided. “Even if it was, they’re gone and I have no way of finding them or even knowing if they’re alive. So what’s the point? Only thing that matters is what I can grab with my own two hands. What I can feel and what I know won’t go away.”_

_Catra’s thumbs started stroking the bare skin just underneath Adora’s shirt._

_One of the first rules they learned while being part of The Horde was that their pasts didn’t matter — everything about who you used to be was erased and the only thing that was left was the potential for what you could eventually be. A new you — one who was stronger, faster, braver, and destined for greatness. One who wasn’t attached and one who had no weaknesses holding them back. It’s why Adora tried to ignore the strange dreams she had about faces she didn’t recognize and skies with stars and planets she’d never seen before. But it was hard to know you were abandoned, and it was harder still to let go._

_Adora’s lips came down to Catra’s temples. “You know I’m never going anywhere, right? I’m always going to be here. I’m not going to disappear.”_

_Catra’s spoke against her collarbone so quietly she almost missed the words. “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”_

_“I’ll keep this one,” Adora swore, stroking her hair, kissing her face, waiting for her tension to melt into tired purrs that slowly started to rock both of them back to sleep. “No matter what. You’ll always have me.”_

Catra shoved Adora off of her and rubbed at the kiss mark that still felt fresh on her skin. “Get _off_ of me!”

Adora stumbled away, clutching at her chest and wincing against some invisible pain not caused by any injury Catra could see. “So scared…” she gasped.

If it wasn’t for the fact that Adora clearly had no idea how to control this place Catra would’ve thought that this was her trying to make a point or throw her off long enough to set a trap for her here. Because for some reason it didn’t feel like she was reliving that memory — it felt like she was reexperiencing it through Adora, feeling what Adora felt, and thinking the same thoughts that had floated through her head all those years ago.

Catra remembered a lot about that night, but what she didn’t remember was this profound fondness that was warming her chest mixed in with a saddened sympathy that was pushing against the backs of her eyes. It felt like some foreign agent poisoning her blood and trying to change the image of Adora leaning against the wall across from her from something that boiled her blood to something that made her heart want to burst.

They both stared at each other for a long while, both too stunned to continue forward or even fall back into their familiar animosity. Adora swallowed the lump in her throat. “I had no idea you felt this way.”

Catra dropped her gaze to the ground. “Yeah, well, that makes two of us.”

“I wasn’t intruding,” Adora said. “This place just projects everything ten fold in every single direction, I couldn’t stop what I was feeling.”

“You don’t need to defend yourself, I got full blast of it too.” Catra snorted as a thought came to her. “You know it’s funny. I was gonna ask you if you had any good memories from growing up in the Fright Zone, but I guess I got my question answered.”

Adora frowned. “Of course I had good memories. _You_ were all of my good memories. I thought you knew that.”

Catra bristled at the comment and decided that they’d wasted enough time meandering around in the hallway. They were still no closer to getting out than they were before. “You have a funny way of showing you care, Adora.”

“Catra, me leaving doesn’t mean I forgot about us. But it also doesn’t change the fact that The Horde is evil. I had no choice. I couldn’t go back.”

Adora had always been such an honorable girl. Always a stickler for protocol, always buttoned up, always trying to do the right thing even as she stumbled around in the dark to figure out what that right thing was. Her eyes were hardened into a determination that Catra had never seen before, as if she had finally figured out what she was meant to be doing with her talent and who she was meant to be protecting. And suddenly it seemed so stupid to expect Adora to come back and even stupider that Shadow Weaver was so obsessed with getting to keep her little prodigy.

She was a princess now, and she had already permanently made The Horde her enemy. She had already permanently made _Catra_ an enemy no matter how hard she wanted to pretend that they were still friends.

No matter how hard she wanted to pretend that Adora’s feelings from the past still held water for them.

Adora’s hand on her shoulder broke her out of her thoughts. Suddenly all of that fondness that had made her skin hum was glimmering in Adora’s eyes. “Hey,” she smiled sadly. “I miss you too.”

“Wha—?” Catra sputtered. “I don’t _miss_ you.”

“Somehow I don’t think that’s true,” Adora smirked.

“Well then you’ve officially lost it. Probably from being in this place for too long. Hey. Perfect segue. Let’s focus on getting out of here.”

Adora giggled. “Do you remember when you used to leave me notes in my locker? But there was one note that I saw by accident that you didn’t want me to see?”

Catra glared over her shoulder as she walked ahead. “You’re a hundred percent remembering that wrong. I was writing it in the corner and you decided to grab it out of my hands.”

“You were hiding it!” Adora laughed. “I thought it was you coming up with some really creative diss or something. I didn’t expect it to be what it was.”

“No,” Catra warned. “We are not bringing that up.”

“You can pretend that it didn’t happen all you want, but I remember.”

Catra whirled around and got right in Adora’s face. “Adora, for the last time _give it back! Come on you’re being a complete tool.”_

_Adora jumped over one of the benches in the locker room, keeping the note clutched closer to her chest. “I just want to read it. You were going to leave it in my locker anyway, so what does it matter?”_

_“It_ isn’t _for you so hand it over,” Catra growled._

_The other night Adora caught Catra lounging on her bed and reading through her journal that she kept tucked and locked under her pillow. Figures she’d find out how to pick it and start reading aloud all of the entries she’d made in the past week — some very personal and very confusing dreams that she definitely didn’t need anyone in The Horde knowing about. But if that’s how Catra wanted to play around, then fine. Adora wasn’t above dishing out some petty revenge during her free time. Especially when Catra deserved it._

_Adora cleared her throat, opening the note and starting on the first line. “Let’s see here….‘Hey Adora.’ Huh, sounds like it’s for me, doesn’t it?”_

_“Adora!!”_

_“‘I’m gonna tell you something,’” Adora continued to read, “‘but don’t read into it, okay?’ Ooooooh. Juicy start. Wonder where this is gonna go.”_

_Catra pounced on Adora, knocking her to the floor and onto her back. Adora said a quick little thank you to her recent growth spurt and held the note over her head just slightly out of Catra’s reach. “Adora, I’m going to kill you, and I’m not going to feel bad about it.”_

_Adora raised a brow. “Wow, would you say that it’s_ wrong _to go through people’s personal things without permission?”_

_“Oh for the love of — are you still on this whole diary thing?” Catra complained. “That was like two weeks ago, get over it.”_

_Adora tipped one of her ears towards Catra. “I don’t hear an apology…”_

_“Fork over the note and then I will.”_

_“Yikes,” Adora winced. “Afraid that’s not how this works.” Without warning, she pulled her knees up and shoved them straight into Catra’s chest, knocking the wind out of her and pushing her against the long wall of lockers. Catra recovered quickly and made a few quick swipes for the note, but Adora had already become an expert at learning how to outrun Catra. She ducked under her arms and made a beeline for the door, remembering to kick it shut behind her to give her enough of a head start to finish reading._

_“‘There’s just a lot I want to say to you,”” Adora screamed over her shoulder, “‘and it’s easier to say it in a note. So here goes: Adora I really —’”_

_Catra spun her around and slammed her into the nearest wall, forearm pressing up against her throat with just enough give to keep her breathing. Adora wiggled the note in her fingers, still holding it high above her head. “A little extreme, don’t you think?” she chuckled._

_“Adora,” Catra said through gritted teeth. “Give it to me. Please.”_

_The "please" caught Adora off guard, but it wasn’t as if Adora hadn’t been practically begging on her knees for Catra to give her journal back either. She could tell Catra was reigning in god like levels of patience in order to keep her temper in check, but a really immature part of her wanted to push at the wound a little bit more just to make sure the lesson sunk in. “Are you going to make me?” Adora challenged, borrowing a line Catra had used on her countless times. “If you want it so bad, then grab it.”_

_Catra’s eyes widened at the comment. Adora supposed she misjudged how suggestive that had come out, but she was taught to commit once she decided on a plan of attack so she raised her chin and dared Catra to say something about it. She was expecting this to lead to a scuffle or for Catra to play some dirty trick to get the upper hand and spin the humiliation back two fold. But whatever bait Adora laid out Catra didn’t fall for it. She watched Catra’s eyes soften as she lifted a claw and dragged it from the center of Adora’s throat all the way to the tip of her chin. Adora gasped and tried to hide the shiver that made her shoulders shake, but Catra was leaning in too close for her to possibly miss it._

_“Last chance,” Catra muttered._

_Adora pursed her lips. “You heard what I said.”_

_“Have it your way then.”_

_Adora never put much thought into things like kissing. There wasn’t time for it in the Fright Zone where their schedules left only just enough room to eat, sleep, bathe, and train. Adora couldn’t even think of a person she wanted to kiss in the first place. It didn’t seem important, not when she had four ranks to climb before her eighteenth birthday. But Catra always had a way of making that sort of responsibility melt away, and it made sense that kissing her would feel like the only thing in the world she’d ever keep wanting after._

_Her arms lowered and wound themselves around Catra’s neck while the note fell to the ground completely forgotten. She was gentler than Adora thought she’d be, and she moved her lips slowly enough for Adora to learn the pace and copy every single brush of her tongue and tilt of her head. Everything felt so warm and so good, and the moment she felt Catra sigh into her mouth and pull her hips closer against hers it was like Adora couldn’t be sated quick enough. She wanted more of everything and she wanted it quicker — quicker kisses, a harder grip on her waist, being pushed further into the wall, feeling Catra around her until everything else finished disappearing and she could just float here for hours._

_But then a door slammed shut from down the hall and made Catra jump away from her like she was on fire. It shocked everything into clarity and suddenly Adora was standing there — lips swollen and chest heaving — trying to figure out why Catra looked so terrified of coming near her. Catra stared down the hall the sound had come from and frowned when footsteps quickly followed. Suddenly Adora understood. If anyone had caught them, Shadow Weaver surely would’ve heard about it. And things like kissing in the halls when they were supposed to be training was definitely something that would call for a serious punishment._

_“Catra, I’m…” Adora began._

_Catra leaned down, picked up the note, and stuffed it into her back pocket. “Sorry,” she muttered. “Forget it. See you at dinner.”_

_She was already shuffling down the hall to try and create as much distance between them as possible, but Adora didn’t want her to leave. Not on that note. Not with this just hanging in between them without any attempts made to make sense of it. Adora jogged to catch up to her. “Catra, wait!” She reached out for her hand and pulled her back. “Catra please can we just_ talk about this for one second? You can’t keep running away from me. Not in here.”

“What are you playing at?” Catra asked, the rush of the kiss still flushing her skin and keeping her heart racing. “Why would you bring that up? _That_ of all things. It doesn’t matter anymore so what’s the point?”

“It does matter.”

“I beg to differ —”

“Well I don’t!” Adora grabbed Catra’s shoulders and pulled her close. “Catra, we liked each other. And don’t look at me like that because you know it’s true. I liked you. And you liked me back. And we both knew that and we had fun together and we promised we’d always be together. Did you forget that?”

“No I didn’t forget that, Adora!” Catra hissed. She yanked her hands away and quickly picked between four hallways that had stretched off of the looming ballroom they’d found themselves in. “I remembered that better than you did, or did you forget who was the one who up and left to go learn card tricks with her new best friends? Don’t start lecturing me about forgetting crap, Adora, you are a hundred percent going to lose.”

“Do you think that means I don’t care about you? Catra, it _hurt_ to leave you but it was the right thing to do. And sometimes the things you have to do aren’t necessarily the things you want to do.”

Catra pouted. “Aw. How noble of you. So much nobler than the little people you left behind to become some crazy eight foot tall Amazon that’s too good for friends, too good for loyalty, too good for keeping the people they supposedly liked nearby — ”

“There’s no supposedly about it!” Adora shouted back. “How could you possibly stand there and say that anything I felt for you was a lie? You felt it just now. You felt it back then! You felt it so strong it scared you and you ran away, and that’s exactly what you’re doing now.”

“I’m not scared!” Catra jabbed her finger in the middle of Adora’s chest. “I’ve spent too long being a part of The Horde to waste my time being scared of anything.”

“You still like me,” Adora whispered, grabbing Catra’s wrist and flattening her fist until her hand was laid out over her heart. “I know you do. And I know we’re both hurting, but that doesn’t change how we feel. And if what we feel is strong enough we can figure this out. It’s not too late for us, Catra, it isn’t. We can fix this.”

Catra laughed so hard that she doubled over, practically resting her forehead on Adora’s chest. “You’re already talking like them,” she pointed out. “So hopeful and happy and ‘oh golly goodness well if we believe hard enough everything will work out fine!’ It’s broken, Adora. You broke it. It’s done. I want to get out of here.”

Adora grasped both of her elbows and begged her to stay. “Catra please, just listen to me!”

“Adora get the _hell_ off of me!”

She shoved her back hard enough for Adora to go sprawling backwards, tripping over her own feet, and falling flat on her back against the marble floor. But instead of the solid thunk she was expecting to hear, she heard a loud buzzer that instinctively made her wince in preparation for Shadow Weaver’s endless lecture about lazy form and poor discipline. Catra looked down and saw the floor underneath Adora had turned red, and suddenly they weren’t in the castle anymore. It was their old training room, a simulation just beginning to flicker on and the sounds of staffs crackling and making contact steadily getting louder the harder she listened.

Catra threw her head back and yelled at whatever sick, sentient, magical force was close enough to hear. “Oh, come _on!”_

* * *

It was strange watching younger versions of themselves train as a stranger looking in. Maybe that’s why Catra didn’t feel implanted in this memory like she did the others. It didn’t feel familiar.

She fought differently now — saw Adora as an enemy now instead of a friend she could get thrown by and still being able to laugh about it. This part of themselves was decidedly dead, and Catra held no illusions about getting it back. Adora wasn’t coming back to The Horde and their fights would always be as Shadow Weaver intended for them to be. To the death.

Adora and Catra were both standing three feet apart, aware of their current selves but choosing to watch the old memory play out before them in stubborn silence. She had no access to Adora’s feelings or thoughts this time around, and she could only wonder if Adora was watching a similar death unfold in front of her as well. Adora, who seemed so intent on fixing things without realizing how much of a hand she had in completely destroying them. Catra supposed that’s what tended to happen to people who grew up thinking they could do no wrong.

Once the simulation was over and a younger Catra started to walk back to the lockers by herself, a younger Adora turned away from her friends, kept a strange look on her face, and excused herself to go follow.

Catra knew what happened next, and the confusion from having seen the scene play out made her break her silence and ask, “Why did you come after me?”

They followed themselves out of the training deck and into the attached locker rooms, finding Catra standing in front of the mirror and pulling her shirt down to stare at a bloody bruise forming on her shoulder blade. “You’d been avoiding me that whole week,” Adora answered. “And something about your face looked wrong. I wanted to make sure you weren’t angry with me. And…”

“And?”

Adora pulled Catra to sit down on the benches with her and watch. “I wanted to ask why you did it.”

_Adora yanked her armor off and threw it blindly into her locker. “Yikes,” she winced. “Sorry about that.”_

_“Not the worst damage you’ve ever dealt, don’t worry.” Catra hissed as she tested the tenderness of the bruise. “Crap, is it bleeding?”_

_“A little bit.” Adora was already climbing to pull the first aid kit from the top of the lockers. “It’s getting all over your shirt. Here, take it off you can borrow one of mine.”_

_“I don’t need your help,” Catra said. “I can just patch it up myself or go to the med bay later.”_

_“You can’t reach it and Shadow Weaver is definitely going to hold you going to the med bay for a bruise over your head. Just come, I fix you up all the time.”_

_Catra sighed. “Adora —”_

_“It’s going to get infected, just stop being a baby and come here.”_

_Catra cursed something foul under her breath, but she pulled her bloodied shirt off and straddled the bench in front of Adora so that she could get to her back. Despite how quick she was, Catra liked to do really stupid things in training that often got her hurt and knocked her down to second place. Adora was usually the one patching her up considering no one else would dare get near her and Catra would rather die than ask anyone else but Adora for help._

_They said nothing to each other while Adora wiped down the blood from her back, but it had an extra layer of awkwardness that their other fights had always lacked. This didn’t feel like a moment where someone had to be the bigger person and apologize first. This felt like a line had been crossed and Adora couldn’t tell whether or not that was something to push or to ignore._

_She cleared her throat. “If there was something to fix, you’d tell me how to fix it, right?”_

_Catra didn’t turn to acknowledge her, but her tail swished as if she were mulling over an answer. “Do you think something’s broken?”_

_“I’m not sure,” Adora admitted. “You haven’t been speaking to me outside of training so I assume I did something to upset you.”_

_Catra winced when Adora started smearing antiseptic on her back. “You didn’t upset me. I’m not mad at you, I’m just…”_

_“Just what?”_

_“Just...wondering if that ended up being a good idea after all.”_

_Adora still remembered the look on Catra’s face when she thought that someone might catch them. Fear, not shame. Fear, because in reality it would be so hard to keep doing things like this under the watchful eyes of Shadow Weaver and Hordak. Because feelings meant weakness and weakness was quickly snuffed out before it had a chance to latch onto anyone and grow into a tumor too hard to remove. If even one of Hordak’s spies had caught them doing something untoward, they’d be separated or worse._

_Perhaps it was even simpler than that. Adora didn’t think her body could feel so many different things at once just from one kiss, and maybe Catra had felt her senses flooded with a similarly overwhelming force. It was hard to control. Even Adora could understand wanting to keep her distance from something that made logic and common sense whither away beneath a roar from deep within, begging her to take without thought or consideration._

_It was hard to be comfortable with selfishness in a place that deemed the self so unimportant._

_And yet, Adora rested her chin on Catra’s shoulder to press a kiss right on the corner of her mouth. And Catra didn’t flinch, didn’t move away, didn’t scream for Adora to leave her alone. Catra leaned into it until her lips were seeking out Adora’s as if by instinct._

_“I liked it,” Adora whispered against Catra’s lips. “A lot. I was hoping we could do it again.”_

_Catra swallowed. “We are going to get into so much trouble…”_

_“Since when do you care about not getting into trouble?”_

_Catra kissed Adora’s bottom lip. “That’s not the kind of trouble I mean.”_

_Adora grabbed Catra’s chin, kissing her properly and smiling at the moan caught in Catra’s throat. “One more,” Adora asked. “One more and then never again.”_

_Catra turned around in her seat and pulled Adora closer until her legs were draped over her own. Adora’s hands were already tangled in Catra’s hair, and she didn’t even need to think about how her lips needed to move anymore. It all fell perfectly into place and all Adora needed to do was melt into the feeling. “You know it won’t ever be just one more.”_

_Adora sighed against her lips. “I know it won’t.”_

The bench beneath them slowly disappeared and suddenly Adora was pushing Catra against the wall and slipping her fingers into her belt loops to yank her closer. They’d done this so many times that finally getting to kiss her again after so long felt like a homecoming, and just like that Catra’s biggest fears were laid out in front of her. Because no matter how hard she denied it, her body kept craving this. Touching Adora's skin made it easier to pretend that things would be better if Adora just came back. That the gaping void of loneliness would quiet and heal.

But Catra knew this was the exact impulse she should be killing. This desperate, mindless, and uncontrollable want that made Catra momentarily forget that she was here to infiltrate the enemy and destroy everything Adora felt was worth leaving her for.

There was no future for them anymore.

Catra pushed Adora back far enough to break the kiss. “Stop it,” she whispered.

Adora shivered. “Why?”

“You know why.”

“No, I don’t,” Adora said. “Explain it to me. Please, I want to understand.”

“If you don’t understand at this point, then you’re never going to.” Catra nudged her hips against Adora’s. “Now let me go.”

Adora bit her lip like she wanted to say something, but she backed off and let Catra walk to the corner of the room. It looked like it was flickering halfway between the castle and halfway between the Fright Zone locker room, as if one of them or part of both of them were still stuck in the memory. Adora’s lingering emotions were still swelling in Catra’s chest, so she walked to the sink in the corner hoping that dousing her head in cold water would snap her out of it. Keep her focused. Remind her why she’s here in the first place.

She leaned her arms on the edge of the sink and tried to shake off all of the lingering hurt and longing she thought she’d finished dealing with, but Adora was still _there_ . Still in her head, still a part of her, no thanks to this stupid place that made them feel like they were totally inextricable. It was the absolute worst joke in the world because she knew that this pain in her chest was Adora’s — this betrayal, this confusion, this heartbreak — as if _Catra_ was the one that had done something wrong and ruined a beautiful thing.

And that was so freaking stupid because Catra hadn’t done a damn thing. This was all on Adora and it was probably going to take Catra spelling it out for her word for word for Adora to even comprehend because Adora wasn’t seeing it. Everything she’d done these past few weeks were worth it to her, and _that_ hurt. That mixed in with Adora’s own turmoil left Catra shaking over the sink, trying not to let her tears finish spilling over, trying not to let Adora see.

Suddenly the mirror in front of her started glowing bright red, and Catra quickly backed away as it calibrated and processed the intruder in front of it. “ **Unauthorized presence detected. Security protocol activated**.”

One of the mechanical spiders that had been stalking them through the castle crawled out of the mirror and loomed over Catra, dripping more of that disgusting webbing all over her. Catra barely had time to scream out for Adora before it all tightened around her, clamped over her mouth, and dragged her back through the mirror.

“ _Catra!!”_

She saw Adora race to her from across the room and grab the one hand that Catra had free, but the creature was too strong and easily yanked her straight out of Adora’s grasp. Catra watched Adora pound on the mirror and try to break the glass while Catra was pulled down a dimly lit hall towards whatever dark pit the castle’s intruders were dragged to.

“Adora!!”

It didn’t matter how hard she screamed, nothing was getting through. The restraints were so tight they were making it hard for her to breathe, and there was no way Adora could hear her from all the way down here. She tried calling out again, but it echoed back a cavernous silence in return.

Catra twisted onto her back and tried flexing her muscles in the hope the tension would be enough to snap the restraints, but they were too thick for her to wriggle out of. If anything, they kept getting tighter the more she struggled and the pressure on her chest was bringing more tears to her eyes and making it practically impossible to breathe. She was going to suffocate before this thing got around to killing her, and there was no way Adora was going to be able to get to her in time to cut her out of this.

And then Catra paused, puzzled at her own thought, and realized she still had one hand free.

Why in the hell was she waiting for Adora to come save her?

Catra extended her claws and swiped at the nearest stretch of webbing, smirking when they sliced clean through it. She reached across herself and ripped off the bindings around her chest and legs until everything was eviscerated at her feet. She stepped away from the spider, crouching down into a defensive stance and watching its eyes to see where it would shoot for her first. It spit more webbing straight at her, but Catra was ready. She dodged left and dove underneath its hulking body to see if there was any vulnerable spot she could dig her claws into.

The eyes of the creature looked like a good enough power source to aim for, so she dodged its legs and waited for an opening to jump on top of it and wrap her legs around its neck. Catra pulled her fist back and lodged it straight into one of its eyes, glass cracking and circuit boards sizzling. Her fingers wrapped around a fistful of wires, and she figured ripping out enough of these would have to bring the thing down at some point.

She smashed in eyes and ripped back panelling, mindlessly ripping into its wiring and circuitry until it was spasming all over the hall. Catra felt the metal overheating and saw the black smoke billowing from all the holes she punched into it, so she jumped off of it and watched it struggle to gain it’s bearings. Catra smirked. “Gotcha…”

But she didn’t get a chance to land a finishing blow before Adora — appearing out of nowhere like the little hero that she thought she was — buried her sword straight into the middle of its head. The creature twitched for a few more seconds before Adora twisted her sword and cut a vital line of wires that left it completely dead and destroyed.

Adora jumped down to Catra and sheathed her sword. “Are you okay?”

“I had it,” Catra growled.

“Sure you did,” Adora winked. She grabbed her shoulder and started leading her back the way they came. “We need to make sure we stay together, alright?”

Catra smacked her hand away. “Will you stop telling me what to do? I’m not some little kid you need to keep on a leash, Adora!”

Adora snatched her hand back. “I know that…”

“So then stop acting like it!”

Adora looked like she’d just punched her straight in the chest and left her winded, so Catra turned away and tried to find something in the way of an exit. “I’m so sick of this place. Let’s just get out.”

There was a busted in wall on the edge of the hallway that led into a narrow tower that looked like either a balcony or a staircase had completely crumbled and fallen away. Catra jumped across the few stable pieces of stone and swung into a hallway that was about two stories up. Adora was following closely behind and, in typical form, was not letting anything go.

“What’s your problem?” Adora asked. “I was saving you.”

“Here’s a thought: I don’t need you to save me. I’ve been doing fine on my own. No thanks to you.”

Adora caught her arm. “Catra, wait,” she pleaded. “Look, I’m...I get it, okay? I’m sorry for leaving you. But I couldn’t go back after I saw what The Horde was doing. I never wanted to leave you.”

Catra rolled her eyes. “We did this bit already, Adora. Newsflash? It’s not anymore compelling the second time around.”

“Well, you could come with me!” Adora smiled. “You could join the rebellion and then everything will be right back to the way it used to be. You’re not a bad person, Catra. You don’t belong with The Horde.”

Catra snatched her arm back. “You know, you seem to think you know exactly who I am and exactly what I need. If I wanted to join your precious little Princess Club I would’ve done it already.”

Adora’s shoulders dropped. “I-I don’t understand. After all the hurt they’ve caused? After all the innocent lives they’ve tried to end?”

“How are you _just_ noticing this Adora?” Catra asked. “Are you serious? It took you seeing _strangers_ in trouble to realize that The Horde is an awful place? They’ve literally been spitting on us and screwing around in our heads since we were born. If we so much as step a toe out of line, we’re thrashed for it and used as an example for everyone else. This wasn’t some cute little summer camp, Adora. But of course you wouldn’t notice that being Little Miss Prodigy and Shadow Weaver’s favorite.”

Adora scowled. “I wasn’t the favorite!”

“Oh, stop it,” Catra snickered. “You were. Wanna know how I know? Because I got the brunt of all of Shadow Weaver’s crap. Because when the two of us got in trouble _I_ got punished for it. Because when you edged out just a little bit ahead of me, _I_ got chewed out for not being good enough. Oh no, The Horde is terrible Adora, that’s for sure. But you only noticed when it became your problem.”

“What are you talking about!? Are you suggesting I didn’t care about what happened to you? I was always there when Shadow Weaver gave you crap. I was the _only_ one who was there for you.”

“Your first instinct was to leave me here by myself while you went off and risked your life for people you don’t even know!” Catra shouted. “And now you come back here hoping I’ll just follow at your heels because I can’t live without you? You’ve already made it clear that I don’t matter like these strangers do.”

“You always mattered, Catra! You mattered more than anyone, you _still_ matter more than anyone else in the world.” Adora grabbed her shoulders, tears building up in the corners of her eyes. “Growing up was bearable because we were together. The only reason this place didn’t swallow us whole was because we were together.”

“Staying wasn’t a sacrifice for you Adora,” Catra said. “You would’ve been Force Captain. You would’ve been comfortable and beloved. This place was never going to swallow you whole and you know that.”

Catra barely finished her sentence before the walls of the Fright Zone slammed down around them and the sounds of their younger selves could be heard giggling down the hallway. She didn’t think she was ready to get back into Adora’s head, and if Adora was right about this place actually containing enough sentience to have some sort of agenda at play, Catra was done playing along. This was more than she wanted to feel and more than she wanted Adora to know. She pulled away and crossed her arms over her chest while a younger version of herself ran by. “Let’s just get this over with.”

* * *

They both knew what was going to happen even before they walked into the Black Garnet room.

Adora told Catra that she didn’t need to walk in and witness it a second time, but Catra knew how necessary it was. It was the two of them stripped down to their most basic parts — definitive proof that all of Catra’s pain would eventually come to mean something. Would define her in a way that wasn’t in relation to someone else. Would polish itself off into a stronger, braver, colder person that never had to cry over the inability to live up to expectations.

A person that didn’t need anyone to thrive.

Some people had the misfortune of being alive long enough to realize that there are very few people who truly want you. _You_. Everything you are, everything you hope to be, and everything you must be in order to survive. Catra realizes she hasn’t found that person yet. And she’s fine with that.

Watching Shadow Weaver threaten to kill her if she so much as put a dent in Adora’s sterling reputation elicited no emotion from her. It was her normal. It was what she had spent years internalizing. But Adora’s guilt was practically suffocating, even as she watched herself lamely try to defend herself without losing whatever status she’d managed to gain in Shadow Weaver’s eyes.

Adora _knew_ that she could’ve done more, and it ate away at her. Catra hoped she felt like this everyday. She hoped she felt all of this turmoil every time she saw her and she hoped it broke her heart into pieces. Because, for what she did to Catra, Adora deserved all of it.

Catra wondered if Adora’s arm around her shoulders was a way of making Adora feel like she was actually doing something in the way of helping. Perhaps it was all Adora could do when she was just a little girl, but now the gesture felt empty and, frankly, Catra was tired of all of Adora’s empty words and promises.

She smacked her arm away, creating distance between them. “You always need to play the hero, don’t you?”

“I was only trying to protect you,” Adora implored.

“You never protected me!” Catra accused. “Not in any way that would put you on Shadow Weaver’s bad side. Admit it. You love being her favorite.”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re just another person who was alone in the world, tossed aside because no one wanted them. And then the minute someone comes along and values you, you latch onto it and never let it go. Doesn’t matter how disgusting and horrible they are. You thrive on it!”

“Those are tall words coming from someone who was also tossed aside and tried to latch onto someone — _anyone_ — who cared. That’s when people do when they’re hurt, Catra. They find people to fix the hurt.”

“So you found Shadow Weaver?”

“No! I found _you_ .” Adora sighed and took Catra’s hands in hers. “You were the center of my entire world, you still are. Even after everything that’s happened, I can’t imagine not being with you. It was always the two of us and it’s going to keep _being_ the two of us.”

Catra shook her head. “You are an open book,” she breathed out. “And you are so easy to figure out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I know you,” Catra explained. “Better than you know yourself and better than you know me. You always hated failing. You always hated coming up short. You always needed things around you to make you feel like you were doing a good job. Staying top of the group, keeping Shadow Weaver happy, protecting me, defending me, being my friend…” Catra rolled the words around her mouth before softly admitted, “Being _more_ than my friend. It gave you purpose. That’s all you were looking for. Not love. Just purpose.”

Adora lifted Catra’s arms to her lips, pressing fervent kisses against her knuckles. “Don’t make it sound so awful, you know it was more than that.”

“I thought it was too,” Catra chuckled. “Until you left me. You found a greater purpose, and you _left_ me. You only stayed here because I was the biggest thing in your life until something else prettier and brighter came along. You _made_ me need you all these years, and then when my needing wasn’t enough, I got stuck here taking the fall for you and figuring out how to survive by myself. People who care about you don’t do that.”

“Catra, you don’t have to stay here,” Adora pleaded. “You don’t, you can leave with me. You can come now. You’ll be safe and happy and we’ll be together and this will all be fixed.”

“I don’t want to leave Adora! What don’t you understand about that? I’m done needing you. I’m not afraid of Shadow Weaver anymore, and I’m a better Force Captain than you would’ve ever been. I’m everything I should’ve always been and never had the courage to be.”

Adora withered. “You...you always said you didn’t care about things like that — ”

“Well, I was lying, _obviously_ !” Catra shouted back. “You don’t know me, Adora, you _never_ knew me. The most obvious things floated right past your nose because you were too busy worrying about yourself. And that’s fine! Because I’m done, and you’ve killed the last shreds of any affection I had for you.”

She _saw_ the words punch through Adora’s chest and cause tears to well up in her eyes. Even as Catra said it, there was one small part — one _miniscule, annoying_ part — that tried to tell her that maybe she’d finally been too cruel. Maybe that wasn’t completely true. Maybe those memories of soft, quiet kisses in the dark corners of The Fright Zone still meant something to her. But Catra cared more about hurting Adora than acknowledging how she actually felt. There was time to suppress the things she didn’t want to remember. Now was the time to turn the things she did into ammunition.

Adora stood there motionless for a long time, as if she were watching all of her ideas of happy reunions and rekindled love crumbling right in front of her eyes. She took two cautious steps towards Catra before rushing into her and kissing her hard enough for it to hurt.

Adora’s teeth clashed with Catra’s, and Catra tried to shove her off. But Adora was insistent, holding her close, digging her nails into Catra’s arms, erasing the feeling of their tender memories and replacing it with this ugly, raw, desperation that Catra couldn’t help but momentarily drown in. This was Adora trying to keep Catra. _This_ was the Adora that wanted to feel righteous and still keep all of the things that kept her sane and whole. It was dizzying, and Catra let herself revel in it only to remind her how weak and scared Adora really was.

Don’t ever forget this Adora, Catra told herself. This is the Adora that you’ll keep seeing over and over again. This is the Adora that you need to crush under your heel. Not the one that made your heart race and kissed you under the covers at night when the world was quiet. She’s a stranger to you, and you don’t need her now.

Catra ripped Adora’s arms off of her and backed away, wiping her arm over her lips. “Get off of me!” she demanded. “You’re so stuck in the past you don’t realize when things are a lost cause do you?”

“Catra, just wait, please!”

Catra thought of the only thing at this point that she knew would hurt Adora worse than she already did. “Do you wanna know why I gave the sword back to you in the Fright Zone?” she asked. “I didn’t _want_ you to come back Adora!”

A horrid sob escaped Adora’s throat, and the tears had finally managed to spill over and drip down her chin.

“You stay away from me,” Catra warned before leaving Adora alone in the middle of the hall. “You stay away from me unless you’re ready to kill me.”

* * *

The First Ones castle was giving her one final test.

It was the only explanation Catra had for the way her memories slowly started to build up into a maelstrom that bomboarded her as she ran down hallways, climbed up staircases, and jumped down chasms in the hopes they would lead to exits. But this place would only allow her to leave when it felt like it, and it still needed proof that she deserved to walk out of here.

The only things she could hear were whispers of how inadequate she was, how foolish she was, how stupid, how weak, how insignificant...how loved, how cherished, how beloved, how _sorry_.

Everything felt like a lie and it was so unclear how she was meant to parse them all apart or even make sense of who they were coming from. Shadow Weaver, Hordak, Adora...they were all mixing together until it felt like this huge beast had been borne, made of all of their voices combined into one. It wanted to pull her back into the past and let her lose herself once more, but Catra wouldn’t allow it. She swiped at all of their ghostly faces, endured forward, and screamed for this _unbelievably stupid castle_ to let her go already.

Then it all stopped.

Silent, still, and waiting.

Catra was on the floor panting when she heard someone crying behind her.

The scene had shifted again — the barracks of the Fright Zone, empty save for the bottom bunk closest to her. It was Catra, so tiny, so scared, curled up underneath her blankets and crying quiet enough so that no one would hear her.

This was her biggest secret, the last thing this castle wanted to show her and the one thing that Adora didn’t have the privilege of knowing. The deepest, innermost corners of her soul looked like this — crying alone in the dark because nothing she did could ever quite measure up. She had the strangest compulsion to scoop up her younger self, sit her in her lap, and cry right along with her under the covers. To be the person that no one else in the world ever ended up being. To be loyal to that little girl who only needed to know that she was enough.

A younger Adora came in to sit next to her and quiet her crying, pulling the blanket off her head and helping her wipe her tears dry. _“It doesn’t matter what they do to us, you know?” Adora told her. “You look out for me, and I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other.”_

Catra whispered under her breath, the memory falling into place with such vivid ferocity. _“You promise?”_

“ _I promise!”_

If only she could warn her. Tell her not to take that promise and let it lull her to sleep at night. Tell her to not believe it until it was the one thing making the horrors of The Horde worth it. Tell her that she needed to strip herself of people who didn’t care and learn how to love herself. She was the only thing in the world that mattered. She was the only person she ever needed to love. It was her success and her happiness that trumped everyone else’s. She was better off alone. She was _stronger_ alone.

Catra watched them both leave the room and she saw herself stop in the doorway. She turned around and looked up at herself, the first time that her memories felt like they were speaking to her, imploring her to share wisdom and find meaning.

The castle was giving her one final test.

“You don’t need her,” Catra told herself. “You don’t need Shadow Weaver. You are going to grow to be so strong. And you are going to do things no one ever imagined. And you don’t need anyone’s help to do it. You’ll do it all by yourself.”

No attachments. No regrets. Nothing. Just Catra.

Catra was the only one who mattered.

Suddenly, everything around her went dark and Catra was standing in the dark alone.

Nothing. Just Catra.

She’d played this castle’s little game and won.

* * *

Catra found Adora hanging off the edge of a steep drop, holding onto a few strands of webbing for dear life, calling for someone, anyone, to help her. It was a precious opportunity laid right out in front of her. Finally, she was free to finish trimming the fat.

Adora’s sword was lying uselessly on the ground, and it was easy enough to quickly demolish the last few creatures that were snapping their pincers and hoping to rip apart the meals that had been eluding them for so long. Catra felt a sudden surge of power and confidence, and it took all of her effort to not laugh at the sight of Adora hanging so precariously above her certain death. Catra slid a claw along the edge of the sword — the damn thing that started all of this — and smirked. “Hey, Adora.”

“Catra,” Adora laughed in relief. “Thank goodness. Help me. Please.”

Catra turned the sword over in her hands. “This thing wouldn’t work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you.” She shrugged carelessly. ‘Then again, you’re special. That’s what Shadow Weaver always said.”

“Catra, what are you doing?” Adora begged. “Stop fooling around. Help me up.”

“You know it all makes sense now. You’ve always been the one holding me back. You wanted me to think I needed you. You wanted me to feel weak.” Catra paused and held the sword over the edge. “Every hero needs a sidekick, right?”

“No,” Adora whimpered. “Catra, no, no, that’s not how it was, and you know that. You were so much more than that. You were everything I had, Catra, please stop.”

Catra leaned over and slowly started to saw into the webbing that was holding Adora up. Adora screamed when it started to snap and drop her lower into the darkness. “The sad thing is I’ve spent all this time hoping you’d come back to The Horde...when really you leaving was the _best_ thing that ever happened to me.”

Adora was crying again, squinting and struggling to stare into Catra’s eyes and try to appeal to whatever love may have been left inside of her. “Catra, please, I love you,” she sobbed. “I love you so much.”

“You don’t even realize, do you?” Catra asked. “That I am so much stronger than anyone ever thought.”

She sliced through the rest of the webbing and watched Adora fall several feet before she gripped into the stone with one hand and struggled to hold herself up. “ _Catra!!”_ she screamed.

“I wonder what I could’ve been if I had gotten rid of you sooner…”

“Catra, I’m so sorry!” Adora called up to her. “I never meant to make you feel like you weren’t important. Please let me fix it. We can still fix it and be happy. I know you love me, Catra, just please help me up. Please don’t do this to me! Catra!!”

The integrity of the castle was fading around her and Catra knew she was winning. Adora’s words weren’t any heavier than her promises, and Catra’s seen her break those far too many times. This was what she needed to do. Rip any attachments she had left and make sure they were never used to weaken her ever again. She wouldn’t become Adora. She wouldn’t become Shadow Weaver. She’d become her own person, strong in spite of everything that had ever been spit her way. This was how it needed to be. This was how she’d get herself back.

It was time to let all of it go.

Catra threw the sword down into the pit, falling so far down into nothingness that it never made a sound. She blew one last kiss to Adora before laying a hand over her heart.

“Bye Adora,” she smiled. “I loved you too. And I really am going to miss you.”

Catra turned and left Adora crying in the darkness — screaming out for Catra, screaming out for a second chance.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [tumblr](http://breeeliss.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/breeeliss)


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